He pulled her closer still as she turned facing him with a smile on her face. He smiled back at her, taking in the feel and scent of her hair against his skin.
It was a new feel, something he wished to get used to. He was sure that even when he got used to it, he would love it just as much if not more.
He was hers. She, his. The thought warmed her insides and filled her heart with content. The warmth of content spread to her cheeks grazing them with a soft blush of rouge, which soon turned a dark crimson when the velvety thoughts of the night gone by rustled her memory.
“Thinking of something?” he murmured with the hint of a smile in his words as she buried her head deeper still trying to hide the blush. “May be” She replied chancing a glance up at him. “Want to talk about it?” he asked. “Not now.” She said. “Later?” he asked hoping she would just tell him what it was that was occupying her mind in the middle of the night as she lay in his arms. When he didn’t get a reply, he looked down at her to find her chestnut eyes shielded by her pearly skin, deep asleep with her steady breath falling on his warm chest warming all of him.
Ria sat in the balcony enjoying the sunset the following day, watching the inimitable mix of orange and red fall in place. She was pondering over the thought that struck her last night just as she fell asleep. It had filled her dreams with the bright blue of a sea so clean, mountains scaling the skies, flowers in full bloom and rich creamy coffee. Well, the last bit might be the cuppa she had in her hand. It’s been over a month since they wed and they had skipped their honeymoon. Their rationale had been to not spend all their money on a single trip and spread it over multiple trips. As she sat with the breeze rustling her hair, the idea of starting the first of those trips seemed all the more tempting. With her mind made up, she went in to fetch her laptop to figure out which places they should visit.
Ankit came in to find Ria sitting in the balcony in what seemed like deep contemplation. He was fond of her. She was pretty, sensible and cheerful. “Hi! I was just about to call you” her chirpy voice said bringing a grin to his face. “And what would it have been about?” he asked as he walked into their bedroom to refresh himself. “You change and come, I’ll make some tea then I’ll tell you the whole story” she said leaving him to join her later.
“Now tell me the whole story” he said as he relished the tea she had got him. If not for anything else, he could definitely love her for her culinary skills. He grinned at the thought. She grinned back before she started explaining her idea with a mischievous glint in her eyes and within the next half an hour; they had decided that they would head towards Coorg in ten days time for 4 days. The excitement was palpable and they went out to their favourite ice cream parlour to celebrate.
“Beautiful” she sighed. It was a totally relaxing experience for them. Coorg was far more beautiful than they had expected. They spent the days sharing their thoughts, lounging on the deck of their hotel watching the waterways sprinkle their way through their winding path. During one such discussion, an acquaintance stumbled upon them. His name was Saatvik; a tall bespectacled man with a square jaw. His appearance was hardly daunting but Ria could feel herself freeze over. It was a blast from the past. A cold blast. As he came closer to them with a smile which had at one time charmed her, she wondered how things happened the way they had and how much has changed since then. It seemed an eternity ago when in fact it was only a couple of years ago. As if to bring her back to the present, Ankit held her closer declaring his claim on her.
“Good evening Ankit! Sorry I couldn’t attend your wedding, I was out of town. I just came back last week and then popped down here for a holiday” Saatvik greeted Ankit with his usual charming smile. Ankit, out of protective instinct stepped in front of Ria before he replied with the most polite tone Ria had ever heard him use. For one who is used to manners, the tone almost sounded frosty and compelled. She looked at him wondering how Saatvik and Ankit knew each other and why that particular tone was adopted. After a short while Ankit introduced Ria to Saatvik only after Saatvik asked him to do so. “Good evening Ria. Nice to see you again. You were right, marriage suits you well.” He said before rushing to add to Ankit “I wish I could stay and chat longer but I’m leaving tonight and have to rush. Hope to catch you back in town.” With that last sentence, Saatvik walked out even before Ankit could reply.
Ankit turned towards Ria with a look in his eye Ria had never seen before. He held her arm tight and almost dragged her back to their room and refused to lighten his grip on her even when she pleaded that it hurt. With a force that surprised Ria he pushed her on to the sofa of their room and demanded how she was acquainted with Saatvik. The look in his eyes glowed even brighter and for the first time in many years Ria felt a fear re-appear, the fear of losing someone she had grown to love.
Last time, she lost the person and now she doesn’t regret it. This time, however she knew she doesn’t want it to happen. She can’t lose Ankit. She took a deep breath and collected her breath before she asked Ankit to release her so that she could tell him properly without the fear of losing consciousness because of the tight grip he held. Fortunately, Ankit did release his grip only to sit across her evidently keen to know the story. Ria observed that the look had relaxed a little to resemble concern now though it still seemed laced with a touch of anger or disapproval, she wasn’t sure.
“Hurry up woman.” He said sternly.
Thus Ria started the story of years gone by, one that had her changed and cautious.
“I don’t know how to describe the relationship that had existed between Saatvik and Me Ankit. That’s the truth. I can tell you what happened and it is up to you to decide on what name you can call it.” She paused hoping for some sign of encouragement. Ankit gave her none but a cold glare. Ria’s mind momentarily got distracted to ponder what Saatvik had done to earn such disapproval from Ankit. Then forcing her back on the task in hand which was getting tougher as the moment passed she continued. “I had noticed him in a few other occasions before we had met through a mutual friend but I wasn’t very comfortable. If anything he spooked me out. Then he was quite lanky and had his eyes trained set on me. It was discomforting. Later we got about speaking and it was then that I happened to befriend a man who was kind and a brilliant conversationalist. He was close to me, sometimes it felt as though he was the brother I never had. Only I didn’t know of the plans he held in store for the future. I enjoyed his company for the interesting conversations we had and for the person I had grown to believe him to be. Soon, I noticed that he seemed to have other ideas of which I couldn’t accept. It was only on confrontation and later that I was forced to recognize a person I had never met till it was over. The person I knew was interesting, sparkling in his own way, kind, concerned and passionate about a lot of things. The person I had later to come to acknowledge was distant and indifferent. I didn’t know how to understand the change. At times I thought it may have been my non-acceptance of his ideas that led to this new person. Other times when I was more myself, I used to wonder which was the real him, which one was the act. Soon I gave up realizing it was futile and it’s been years since I had any contact with him. Our relationship dissolved as fast as it had formed. That’s all.”
She sighed in relief. It was one of the skeletons in her cupboard now displayed. One hand she felt relieved, on the other she wished it had never come out. She didn’t know enough about Ankit to decipher what his opinion may be. She really had done nothing to lead Saatvik, nor had she ever stepped beyond her limits. She looked up at Ankit who had remained dreadfully silent while she gave out the past as briefly as she remembered it. Over the years, she had allowed herself to forget. This was as much as she remembered and she told him all. The question was did he believe her?
She figured her question must have shown in her eyes as she looked at him expectantly since he looked up at her still silent. She willed him with her heart and mind to believe her. It was the truth.
“Why hadn’t you told me earlier?” his question came as quietly as the blow she felt in her heart. “I didn’t feel it necessary. It had happened long ago and there was no contact between us. I don’t see how it makes a difference.” She replied and sensing this was the moment she could really ask him, she quickly added “why are you so frosty towards him anyway?” He looked at her, his expression still as solemn as his demeanor. Ria couldn’t help but notice how mature and strong he looked at that very moment and began to wish twice as hard that he wouldn’t give it any more attention than it deserved. “That you needn’t know.” He said and walked out of the room without so much as a bye.
She ran behind him leaving the door open as went chasing him. “Wait! That’s not fair. You have to tell me what happened. You can’t walk out just like that!” He paused. He turned. “Get inside. Now.” His voice as low as high as hers had been when she had screeched. “Only if you came in and explained” she shot back refusing to let him know that she felt afraid. He said not a word and merely pointed towards her and then to the room. She stood rooted to her spot snubbing at his attempt to make her his puppet. Her chin lifted in defiance letting him know that she did not intend to let him boss her around. His eyes glittered with a new expression, one she could place to nights before but hardly seemed appropriate now. He walked towards the room and kept it open till she walked in. The minute she walked in, he slammed the door shut and pushed her against the door with as much force as he claimed her mouth in a kiss of possessiveness and raw desire. It took her all the strength she had not to give in to the arguments of her primal instinct and push him away. “I am disgusted Ankit! First you walk out with-out giving me a reason. Then you order me back to the room. Next you slam yourself into me like that. What do you think I am? Your possession? Your puppet? I am your wife mister and you better remember that! I have my own sense of reason and expect to be respected for it!” She exclaimed slightly surprised at her own outburst.
He stepped back looking shocked. Ria felt as though she must take back her words instantly but then she realised that if she didn’t let him know that she expected to be treated as her individual person as well as a partner, the marriage she now held close to her life was threatened. She had always been individualistic, she wouldn’t be able to change that part of her nor would she be able to live at peace with herself if she realised she had changed by force under the threat of a failed marriage. He looked at her hard for one long moment when Ria didn’t know what to make of the silence. “I have to go out now. I need to cool down. Alone. We can talk once I am back” His words were controlled. Before she could respond, he had walked out. Truth be told, she was glad for the silence and the isolation. She needed it too. She had a feeling that she isn’t going to come to know the truth from Ankit. Not the whole truth. He was a smooth talker she knew and she knew instinctively that this was one issue to which he would apply his abundant charms which she wouldn’t be able to resist. She drank some cold water and sat trying to calm herself and organize her thoughts. She tried recollecting if he had ever told her about anything that would justify his re-action. It was in vain. She soon decided that the only way she could find out was to contact someone close to him. His mother struck her mind. She was the sweetest woman Ria knew and they were on very comfortable terms. This issue however didn’t seem like one where his mother would have any inputs. Alisha struck her mind next. She was one of Ankit’s closest friends. One from their childhood from what she’s been told. Surely she would know what had happened. A bonus point was that they were on pretty comfortable terms. Slowly Ria’s confidence grew and she called up Alisha. On the third ring Alisha picked up the phone. After a few minutes of cheerful teasing banter, Ria decided it was polite enough to come to the point.
“Alisha you know Ankit from childhood don’t you?”
“Yup.” Came the instant reply Don’t know how I’ve put up with him for so long” she added quickly with a chuckle.
“He tells you almost everything doesn’t him?” Ria asked just to re-assure herself that she would get her answer.
“Ria, what happened?” Alisha asked concerned.
“Nothing, I wanted to know something. Will you tell me please?” Ria asked.
“If I know the answer I would definitely tell you.” Came Alisha’s assuring response.
“Tell me then, what is the story between Ankit and Saatvik?”
Silence.
“Tell me Alisha. What happened? I have to know.” Ria pleaded dread filling her being.
“Ria, I wish I could but my boss is just around the corner. I can’t talk now. I’ll call you back later.” Alisha said before she disconnected the phone. Ria knew that it was a promise which wasn’t to be fulfilled. This only troubled her further. Why wouldn’t Alisha tell her? Did it possibly involve her too? She knew nothing of Ankit’s past either. She didn’t know if he had had any girlfriends or loves. Somehow the very thought that her place may have been occupied by someone else hurt her. Old fears had begun to resurface. She forcibly pushed those thoughts aside, drank some more chilled water and thought of calling his next best friend Arjun but it didn’t seem appropriate for her to call him up asking about Saatvik. She decided to let it rest for the time being. She made up her mind to ask his mother about it discreetly. She secretly hoped Ankit himself would tell her about it. She didn’t want everyone to know of what happens between them. She resigned herself and changed to her nightwear before tucking herself to sleep on their last night in Coorg.
Ankit stepped in ten minutes past one, his shirt clinging on to his built body still wet from his swim. He had always loved the water and had been a strong swimmer. It was his form of meditation. It freed him from his worries. It helped him to work out his frustration and focus. This evening he felt better than he had in the morning about choosing Coorg as their first trip. The strong currents gave him good exercise which calmed his mind significantly. After his night swim, he spent his time lying on his back on the grass staring at the stars pondering over his reaction. He knew Ria expected an explanation and in the deepest of his hearts he knew she deserved one. What made matters worse was that he didn’t know how she would react to his declaration. It would pain her and he didn’t want to hurt her. His inner voice argued that he was causing her pain either way. Over the past few days they had spent alone, away from family, away from the daily routines of existence, he had seen a different side to her, one that loved to live and lived to love. She was a child and a woman. He knew that if he ever had a doubt on his affections for her, it was more than erased. He couldn’t think of losing her, not for anything. It was this fear that held him from telling her about Saatvik. He wanted to bare to her his mind and soul for his heart was already hers but he feared her rejection. Sometimes it seemed impossible that she willingly consented to be his bride. He guessed that his only sounding board before Ria would be his support now and called up Alisha. They spoke on the phone for over an hour with her reassuring that the story was with her safe and she wasn’t going to tell anyone, least of all Ria unless Ankit himself told her. After feeling comforted, he went towards the suite confident of his love for the woman sleeping in his bed.
Ria awoke the next morning feeling the weight of Ankit’s arm over her waist and the events of the previous night flashed before her. Involuntarily a few tears slipped out from the corner of her eyes as she held his arm strong. She loved him and wanted to believe that there was nothing which would stop them from baring their minds and souls to each other. After last night, the seeds of suspicion and angst were sown.
She was hoping to weed them out before they ensnarled her in their tight grip. After refreshing herself, she picked up her cell phone to call up her mother-in-law only to find that her battery had died. She picked up Ankit’s phone to call her. Out of habit she pressed the call button assuming Ankit would have spoken to his mother last as he does every day. It was one of the things she adored about him. He was a mamma’s boy yet independent. Only this time it wasn’t his mother but Alisha Ankit had spoken to last. The seeds had been watered by the timing showing past midnight lasting over an hour. She kept the phone down as it was and went to have the luxurious long shower she deserved and needed. By the time she was out, Ankit was up and lazing on the bed looking every bit alluring as he did the morning before. Only Ria could feel the seeds becoming saplings. She walked out with not even a good morning leaving Ankit hurt and realizing the extent of Ria’s distress.
Ria walked out to the nearest PCO and called up her mother-in-law. She had often felt lucky considering the family she married into. Her mother-in-law was as near a replacement to her own dead mother as she could have hoped for. This morning she wanted her mother. She wanted to hug her tight and sleep comforted by her warm words and loving cajoling. Refusing to let herself weaken, she called up her mother-in-law and after the usual banter and niceties Ria approached the issue in hand and asked if there was anything in Ankit’s past which she should know about and didn’t. Her mother-in-law said nothing but “Come home Ria. There is something I must give you.” Before Ria could question further, the line was disconnected and so was Ria’s hope for weeding.
Unwillingly Ria ate some breakfast before going back to the room to pack their luggage. She didn’t want to see Ankit so soon. She wasn’t sure of her feelings. She wasn’t sure of her place. She didn’t know if she was being blind to the truth or merely adding fuel to the fire of her fears. She didn’t want him to know that she was shaken. She didn’t even know why she was shaken now. She couldn’t understand her own reaction. She was in a mess and knew she better get her head sorted out. Soon.
She was almost done with the packing in half an hour’s time considering the fact that Ankit had already packed his belongings. Once she was done packing, she lazed on the bed gazing at the surroundings within which she had discovered her husband to be a different man. It was then that she noticed a bouquet of white lilies lying on the balcony table atop a note. She went to the balcony, relished the cool breeze brush her warm body before she picked up the note.
Ria,
I am sorry. I really am. There are things I must tell you. I owe you more than one explanation but I fear you will leave me if I tell all. I can’t bear to think of losing you. It’s been 45 days since you became mine but I was yours the minute you consented to being my wife. If you promise to be by my side irrespective of the explanations I give, please come to the lobby.
I’ll be waiting for you.
Yours only,
Ankit.
Ria folded the note. If she was confused earlier, she didn’t know what to think now. Her instinct told her that if she did speak to him now, things would sort themselves out but bringing herself to speak to him was a challenge by itself. She couldn’t ignore her instincts this time. She decided that she will go and hear him out. Whether she will accept his explanation or not was secondary.
In the lobby, Ankit had started to pace in worry. He had left the note hours ago. He was confident that she would come to the lobby soon and things would settle back to the way they were when they reached here. He had come to a level where he wanted her to just hear him out. He needed it off his chest. He didn’t know how to start but tell her he will. 15 minutes later he saw her. She had come with their luggage and was heading towards the billing counter. He noticed that she wasn’t even carrying the lilies he had left her. His trepidation increased. He knew lilies were her favourite. He collected himself and started towards the counter and reached there before her and made the arrangements to pay the bill. He chanced a glance at her as she moved away and waited. He felt his heart wrench. She didn’t believe in him. She wouldn’t give him the chance he needed. It wasn’t supposed to be like this! They were newly wed! He didn’t know what to do and decided he would take Alisha’s advice and just let it be. If she wasn’t ready, she would have a reason just like how he has a reason for holding it back.
The train journey home was quieter. He had never heard of Ria being quiet let alone experience her be quiet. He didn’t want the memories of the lovely trip they had shared to be ruined by this one incident. He wished he had a time turner to not have reacted the way he did. He knew its pointless wishing so yet he did. He even considered waking her up, taking her to the carriage door and let her see the moon the way she likes it before explaining it all. Soon he realised it doesn’t work that way and he would be causing her to lose her sleep. Finally he decided that he will deal with the situation tomorrow at home. He knew her well enough to deduce that she wouldn’t let the people at home know something was wrong between them. He was sure of it.
The next morning Ria didn’t let the people at home catch on to what was wrong nor did she speak to Ankit. Figuring there was nothing else he could do, he simply let her be and headed to work a day earlier than planned. As soon as Ankit left for work and the rest of the house emptied out to their usual destinations of work or school, Ria was pulled aside by her mother-in-law who guiltily pushed a tattered diary into Ria’s hands. “I should have given it to you long ago Ria. I didn’t think it was important to you. I don’t know what happened during the trip but I know you wouldn’t ask about his past if something hadn’t occurred to you. This is his diary for the past 4-5 years. He doesn’t write every day. He writes only when something happens that day which he doesn’t want to forget. Read it. It might help you with some things. I wish I could be of more help but Ankit distanced himself from me most of the time when it came to his private life. I knew when he was upset, when he was angry or when he was happy but I rarely knew why. And why is what you need to know. Take care girl. Remember you can always talk to me about anything.” Ria only muttered thanks in her gratitude and walked up the stairs to her room holding the diary in hand. She reached her room and took her reading corner. Out of habit, she flipped the pages and stopped on a random page. Co-incidentally, there was a poem penned on that very page.
I’M SORRY
How I feel,
What I know,
Makes no sense,
When I’m with you
I don’t understand,
Nor do I try.
I waited for you,
Believing you to be true.
Before you came,
Life was complete.
Now, you are gone,
And life’s more than complete;
It’s over.
I fear to do what is right,
I fear to fall in love,
But I know I’d have to.
I’M SORRY
It caught Ria’s attention and she read it over and again till she almost knew it by heart. This wasn’t a copied poem. Ankit wrote this, she knew. Her fear of someone else having been in her place had shown its ugly face again. Now more determined than she was before, she sat up straight and started to read the diary right from the beginning. Ankit was her husband and she better know what had happened.
A few hours later she had read if not by hearted the entire diary. There was only one word that stuck through the pages. Alisha. No other name nor incident. Every page had something to do with Alisha. How kind she was, how smart she was, how pretty she had looked, how talking to her made him feel good, so on and so forth. Ankit had penned the diary in a way that no one who had read it would understand what exactly had happened save Ankit and Alisha. Ria read through the diary thoroughly and pondered about it. The fondness Ankit and Alisha shared was evident and Ria knew of it. Exactly how deep did their fondness go she didn’t know. She didn’t know if there was any particular incident which strengthened their bond. Whether they had been in love before she didn’t know but if she were to cross her heart and say the truth, despite the fondness and focus on Alisha she felt it was more gratitude and tender affection than love. It was like a bond between siblings, not lovers. She didn’t know the truth though and tonight she intended to find out.
That night when Ankit came home, he couldn’t find Ria anywhere around. Concerned he went straight to his mother who let him know that Ria said she wasn’t feeling up to the weather and had gone to bed early. Ankit’s hopes rose instantly. He informed his mother that he has already had dinner and rushed up to the room in which he grew up which he now shares with Ria. He opened the door gingerly unsure of her reaction. She was curled up on the bed, changed for the night. She looked fragile to him but the look of determination on her face was perceptible.
“Ria?”
“Hmm?”
“Will you talk to me please?”
“Go change” she shot her usual command. At this first sign of normalcy, Ankit’s heart fluttered with relief and he headed to change and slipped into bed right next to Ria as soon as he had. Ria turned and brought them closer. She looked up straight into his eyes and in the lowest voice he had ever heard her speak asked him to explain all that he wanted to. She let him know that she wanted to know what Saatvik had done to evoke such hatred and what brought Ankit and Alisha so close together.
Her questioning gave Ankit the confidence that she hadn’t lost her trust in him but had merely been confused as anyone else would have been in her situation. He began his story.
“Ria, I want you to promise that you will never repeat what I tell you to anyone else, not even Ma. Do you promise me that?”
“Yes. Go on” Her interest piqued.
“Firstly, Alisha and I are the best of friends as you already know. I confess that there was a time when I wished we could be more but it never felt right. Never felt right the way it feels with you. At that time, to accept that I had been fooling myself to be in love was too much. I had felt as though she walked out of my life when she had shifted out of town for a year. It had caused me much pain and I remember I had even penned some poem about it. Now it all seems so silly. What I shared with her was and is nothing compared to what I share with you Ria. Trust me. The incident you ask which brought Alisha and me together isn’t just an incident. It’s a period of over 6 years. We were always thick friends living so close by and all. When I was in 3rd year college, an uncle we knew had come to meet me. I had taken Alisha along since she knew the uncle too and in any case he had said it wouldn’t take more than a few minutes. He had taken us to meet my father. Pa hadn’t noticed Alisha’s presence since she hadn’t entered the room then. It was then that Pa told me about how unfaithful he had been to my mother. He told me that I had a younger sister a few years younger to me. In any case it meant more than 2 decades of cheating on my mother and it was more than I could take. Alisha was the only other person who knew about it apart from myself. She was the only one who could understand me during the period. A few months later, the girl’s mother died- the one who was my half sister? Her mother. She had no other support except us. I brought her into Alisha’s home saying she was a distant cousin of mine. Alisha used to almost live alone with her parents constantly travelling. Alisha knew the girl- Sammhita, as well as I had grown to know her and like her if not more. Soon I didn’t think of her as different flesh. She had become the center of my universe, more so after Pa died. I’d brought her home, never telling her who Sammhita really was. When she came to my place, she was Alisha’s distant cousin. Sammhita and Ma got along well and soon things were falling in place.”
Ria who was listening quietly all this while tenderly squeezed his arm offering encouragement and hugged him closer for the support he evidently needed. “Where does Saatvik come in the picture?” she asked urging him to continue.
“He came to topple it all. He was studying his Masters in the same college when Sammy was doing her bachelors. Taken with her good looks, he wooed her for as long as I didn’t know about it. Once I came to know, I warned him off her. I hadn’t known to what extent the wooing had happened. In fact I really didn’t know much of what was happening. It was only days later when we found Sammy dead that we came to know what happened. He had used Sammy to get introduced to another girl which had crushed Sammy who had always been rejected by everyone she knew. His rejection was the final blow for her. She blamed me for it. She thought Saatvik had her introduce him to another girl only because I’d warned him off Sammy. Why I dislike Saatvik isn’t simply because he used Sammy to get introduced to another girl but he had used her in ways it pains me to explain. We came to know only in the post mortem report that Sammy had lost herself to him. If not for Alisha, I would have killed him and gone to jail. It was the most trying 2 years of my life- the last year of Sammy’s life and the first year after her death.“ He sighed his relief. It felt good to share it with someone else. To share it with Ria. To know that he now held no secrets from her.
“Is Sammy Sammhita Gupta, B.E. electrical, St.Annes?”
“Yes” blurted a stunned Ankit.
Ria hugged him tight. She had been a part of his heart breaking story without even knowing it. She had caused him hurt without even knowing it, even before knowing him. It haunted her now.
“I was the one to whom Sammy introduced Saatvik.” The statement lent a stoic silence to the room. It came a blow. Hard and swift. Ankit was stunned. He didn’t know how to react.
“Ankit?”
“I don’t know what to say Ria.” He really didn’t. It was an old story. She had no clue of what Saatvik had done. She didn’t know this side of the story. There was no contribution of hers to Sammy’s death. He believed in it. He willed himself to believe in it.
“I’m sorry. Trust me. Love me” said Ria.
“I do Ria. Always will” said Ankit.
With those words, they shared their love one more time before the crack of dawn signifying a new day, a new beginning, a new life- together, in love.
Apologies or Thanks ? Both actually :)
15 years ago
